Opposing Digits

I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have dissociated states that I go into that can appear remarkably different from my usual demeanor. (Hey, it even freaks me out sometimes.) I "change" because being tortured and abused has a tendency to damage a person's personality and brain structure. Healing from trauma is not easy to do.

Trauma and past trauma can cause a person to slip into trance states, to cope with overwhelming emotional pain. I was a cutter. I could slice my arms with razors and knives until I saw the muscle underneath and not feel it at all. I was using physical pain to dull the far worse emotional pain in a situation where I had no-one to express this emotional pain to, no-one I could trust or who was capable of LISTENING to me.

To a religious zealot, that kind of pain suppression could look saintly or demonic, depending on the whim or beliefs of the congregation and appearance of my state at the time. Ignorance and zeal can do a lot of damage, and if you add a closed social institution with a shared belief system and it can get dangerous.

# posted by madthumbs @ 9:03 AM